Cats! They’re everywhere now… so that’s why we have dedicated this edition of the Canine Lampoon to Cats!… or more specifically…
3 Ways To Keep Cats Away
This Section Of The Canine Lampoon Was Written By Koda Bear The Rat Terrier
1.: Water! It’s very simple! Just wait for the human to take a bath, and then grab the cat and put it in there with the Human! That’ll teach them to be *Shutters* Cats.
2. Barking. This one is much easier! Just Bark! Bark-Bark-Bark! Woof Woof! Awoooooga!!! Its sure to not only drive your cat crazy, but it also has a second use! What you say? Getting your owner to let you outside and play in the Mud! Bark-Woof-Awoooga!!!!!
Three!?! What’s the Point? Those two are to perfect for us to need a third one!
Modern Dog: An Opposing View On Cats
This Section Of The Canine Lampoon Was Written By Roxy The Lhasa Apso
As a Modern Dog–and a modern PuWomen–thats Pup-Women by the way you uncultured mutt. Anyways I know that as a Modern PuWomen that Cats are not the enemies Koda says they are!
To be frank: Koda Bear is a Catist!
If it weren’t for Cats we wouldn’t have many of our Guilty Puppy Pleasers. Such as: Chasing Cats, Barking At Cats, Peeing On The Cats Toys, and–of Course–Brutaly Killing Cats.
So why does Koda Bear hate cats? He certainly has no problems chasing and Barking at them…
BreakOff: Sticks And Their Uses
This Section Of The Canine Lampoon Was Written By Masie May Whose Breed Is Unknown
NOTE: The “BreakOff” Section Is Not In Coordination With The Rest Of The Article.
Sticks. We Use them every day! But what else can they do? Have you ever wondered if that stick that you just retrieved has any secondary uses other than just Fetch? Well surprise? It does!
1. Back Scratcher! Have you ever noticed those huge sticks that you just can’t fit your teeths around? They grow straight up from the ground, and have 30 bushes on top? Well they make amazing back Scratchers! So good you’ll say “Hey what do I need this human for again?…Oh, yeah Food”
2. Intimidation. Ever chased a squirrel, cat, or Car? Well if you get a big enough stick they’ll be so in shock from terror they’ll freeze and you’ll finally catch them! Why will they have so much terror? Because they’re stupid, and they’ll think you just got bigger!
3. Making The Human Happy! Your human really enjoys it when you bring a dead bird in the house, and I guarantee they’ll enjoy a huge stick just as much!
This Section Of The Canine Lampoon Was Written By Piggy The Staffordshire Terrier
Dog News: Cats Are Climbing Higher, And Their Food Tastes Bad!
Cats nowadays are adapting and climbing higher according to a new study by The DogShire Group. This could mean that Cats are more likely to avoid Playtime with us Pooches–and especially Death.
Now don’t call me a “Catist”, but it’s just a fact that Cat’s food Tastes bad. I mean Tuna? Ewwww!!!!
True Story: The Cat Who Scratched Me
This Section Of The Canine Lampoon Is An Interview Between Jasper The Aussie Puppy & An Anonymous Dog (Going By The Name “Fido” Who Was The Victim Of A Gruesome Attack
Jasper: So, Fido would you like to tell us exactly what happened?
Fido: Well… It was a Cold December Evening in the dog Year 14,126 (Human Year: 2018), I was just sitting on my porch… and…*Sniffles* and…
Jasper: Its OK Fido, your a good boy
Fido: And the Cat just attacked me!
Jasper: Was there any motive behind the attack?
Fido: No! All I wanted to do was chase it and kill it… but it attacked me!
Jasper: I see… did they ever catch that sick, deranged cat?
Fido: That’s the worst part! The owner still let’s her sleep and live at the house…!
Jasper: What!?! That’s Crazy! That cat is deranged, sick, and Woof-Woo-Woof (Human Translation: Crazy!)!
Fido: Yes he is… and you can go to WWW.CatBeGone.org and sign our petition to have Monica not only kicked out of our house, but put down
Jasper: Of course the Crazy Cat’s name is Monica… That name makes anyone crazy… if your a real dog you’ll sign that petition ASAP!!!
Thanks For Reading The Canine Lampoon.